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I'm back. After a hiatus of more than 5 years. Holy shit, back then all the whining about not feeling and not being myself, and expecting people to read or even fucking care.
Well right now I don't give a shit if people read it or not. What's important is that I keep a note of the things that are happening in my life. Digital is forever, or so I've been led to believe. I mean c'mon! The stuff I wrote in 2007 is still here - any physical thing that I had 7 years ago, is pretty much lost and faded into dust.
I've met this wonderful girl 3 months ago. We hit it off perfectly (I think). Everything was falling into place and she seemed like the perfect woman who I'd willingly spend the rest of my life with. I find myself thinking about her all the time, thinking about what she's doing, thinking about what she's feeling, trying to give everything I have to give, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way and my naiveness and stupidity has caused me to be thrown into a world of hurt and despair. I'd like to think that I've changed since the last time I blogged, but it seems that I've not. I'm turning to writing as a form of distraction and to get away from reality. Just by typing, I can feel the stress easing and I feel that someone out there (even if it's just the computer and internet) is reading what I'm typing and not judging me. My silent words are being heard and I won't ask for anymore.
Anyway, this girl, perfect as she was, wasn't. See what I did there :) Depression really is a bitch to deal with. On good days, everything will work out fine and we'll share wonderful times together. On bad days, simple things cause triggers and soon, fireworks will spew and both parties end up hurt. Well, I'm hurt, don't know about her. She's a master of switching off her emotions and shutting people off. I feel that I'm the best thing or person that has came into her life, and she may acknowledge that. But why, does she keep trying to drive me away? It really isn't her doing - the mental illness is the culprit here. Her demons are surfacing and I, am just a person. Loving her cannot help her. The self pity and sadness she induces upon herself is consuming and she'll feel that she's not worth it enough for me. Pushing, pushing, pushing me away, telling lies to test me, to get me off, so that she has space, have time to dwell in her own world of misery when she has grown comfortable with.
I'm giving her space, giving her time. I'm not replying to her messages, but soon they get more frantic. I'm not responding to her calls, but yet she still texts me to go back together even though I've not replied her for the past 3 hours. Am I doing the right thing here? Even as I sit and type, she's calling me on the phone. 3 missed calls. I'm a fucking bastard and asshole for not answering the calls, and I know I'm causing unwarranted stress on her, but I just.. I don't know what to do. If I do pick up, I'll face the interrogation. "Why didn't you pick up? Where are you? What are you doing?" I just, don't have a good enough reason for picking up. She needs her space, she needs to miss me, to realise what she is missing in her life. And I hope I'm doing the right thing here, by being the bastard.
But I can't keep this up for long. I will give in to her, and I will meet her later to go home with her. I will just be, at the bus stop, waiting.
I need to go.
Goodbye world. For now.